I have the urge to give myself a black eye.
Black Eye Anna
I wonder how much time I can slice people up in the bus before they stop me.
I’ve always been biting something ever since I can remember: my scarf, my pencil, my doll, now even my hand and when I’m mad, other people.
I’ve been restraining myself from biting things but now I realize I have a habit of clenching my teeth. Whenever I notice and stopped doing it I’ll regain that urge to bite something.
My little sister wants to sew her mouth shut.
I have more intrusive thoughts than I can even count. When I’m around people, especially those that I love, the thought jumps into my head that I should injure or even kill them. I calculate lethal dosages for myself in my head, and ponder other ways of committing suicide. Should I drive into oncoming traffic? Set myself on fire? Drown myself? I have panic attacks when I think about the fact that nobody will remember me after I die, but always think about dying.
[‘s family beware]
Sometimes I have the urge to take a huge, thin needle and slowly push it through the parts of my body that would hurt the most: stomach, neck, wrist, soles of my feet, palms of my hands, thigh, calf, any odd part that feels vulnerable.
This urge makes no sense to me, because I have a crippling fear of needles, to the point where getting a vaccination can make me pass out.
I live in a touristy area, and I always see groups of old people at night. I always think about how easy it would be to mug them, and that they couldn’t do anything about it.
Sometimes I get the urge to rip off all my skin when I get angry.
I’ve had it pretty good lately. I like my job, my SO proposed and I said yes, roof over my head, minimal bills, food every day.
Recently, I’ve had the urge to leave. Run away and not look back. Go someplace I have never been with people I don’t know.
It may not sound like much, but I’ve never been completely on my own and I have no idea how to survive. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever had.
Ex broke up with me many months back. I’d never follow through on any of these things, but she started dating a friend of mine and sometimes I just want to seriously hurt him so he’d stay away, or torch his car. Or do something to ruin his business.
Besides that, there’s always some little thought that hopes some tragedy will happen in her life so I can be there. Usually rape or a death in her immediate family. F***ed up, because I could never wish either of those things on her, and I really like her family. I don’t want them to die.